53:04
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
men, feel, pete, talking, connect, divorce, helping, breathing, work, anxiety, business, kids, experienced, love, understand, struggle, people, nervous system, damon, relationship
SPEAKERS
Peter Armstrong, Damon Pistulka
Damon Pistulka 00:02
All right, everyone, welcome once again the faces of business. I am your host, Damon pistulka, and I am excited today because we have Pete Armstrong here today, we are going to be talking about helping men become the people they want to be. Pete, thanks for being here today.
Peter Armstrong 00:21
You’re welcome, man. Thanks for the smile.
Damon Pistulka 00:24
It’s awesome. It’s awesome. I you know what i i tell you what, Pete, I the from the first time I met you, I knew I wanted to have you on the show, because I want to tell you I’m one of those people that has gone through a serious life transformation. Not some because I wanted to some because I didn’t want to some because of life. But I know myself. A lot of people around me, a lot of men around me, career driven, heart driven, people are can be incredibly successful in the workplace and incredibly miserable on the backside. And it just sucks that we got people that have that that think that that’s the way it
Peter Armstrong 01:09
has to be. Yeah, man, well, thank you. I I’m glad that we connected. I’m glad you saw something in me and I saw something in you, and I learned so much about you the first time we chatted, and it’s just, I’m excited for where this conversation is going to go, and I sincerely thank you for this opportunity.
Damon Pistulka 01:28
Yeah, yeah. Well, I tell you what Pete, the way we like to start things off is always like to get a little background of how you got into helping men uncover their blind spots, and, you know, improve their relationships and really see them how they can live a fuller life.
Peter Armstrong 01:52
Man. Thank you. I mean, really, it was through uncovering my own blind spots first, you know, and, you know, I, I think what really set me off on this, this career, the final, like, kind of nudge was I went through divorce in 2020, During the covid, yeah, during covid, and I was going through divorce, and I was like, You know what? This is the second basically failed marriage I’ve had, I have three children with two different women. And I was like, the commonality here is me. I’m the common theme, right? And so I was like, Okay, I know I’m a good dude. I know I’m a good person. I’m learning to love myself. I’ve taken, you know, I am free of pornography and casual sex for like, 10 years, and in the marriage, I was free for like five or six years, so like, I’ve taken things out of my life that have helped me get into a marriage and have a decent relationship. But the what I was experiencing, I was just like, as I started getting to know myself better in that marriage, I was kind of like, No, I want I want more. I want something different. And so we had a, you know, conscious, a couple uncoupling, or even whatever you want to call it, we mutually agreed we can go through divorce. But really, when I started looking at I was like, how did I get into this marriage? And how do I never get into this type of relationship again? Yeah, because, yes, it was hard on me, right? But it was hard on my kids, my beautiful children, and I love being a dad and my kids, my two older kids, you know, my, my, my ex wife was their stepmom. The stuff they shared with me Damon was heartbreaking. The gist is, like, right? I listened to them. I listened to, you know, yeah, wife. And what does that mean to a kid? They internalize that as like they’re not worthy, right? And so, yeah, and then I so then that was, like, this deep dive when we started going through divorce. And then I also was like, You know what? I’m going to take alcohol out of my life too. And I took the pornography, the sex, all that kind of stuff about 10 years ago, 10 years whatever, alcohol, even though I don’t use it like I’m not a fall down, fall down drunk. I know high performer showing up to work, yeah, but I just kind of knew the way I was using it was kind of for to to better manage stress and probably some childhood pain and stuff of the past. And I was just like, You know what? I’m going to take alcohol in my life? For one year. See what happens. I was just curious about it. Yeah, see what happens. And start up. I called it a sobriety tour. I was like, I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t know where I’m going to end up, but with pure curiosity and just to see what’s going to happen, I would say those things really set me off on this path was like taking alcohol and exploring my pain and my struggle and getting help. You know, therapy, coaching, training, reading books like I didn’t understand for a long time, the way I felt inside about myself, like going to places and not feeling like I belonged. And I was, you know, was rooted in shame. And I kind of heard of this thing shame. But after I read this book by Bernie Brown called the Gifts of Imperfection, I was like, did you get this book for me? Like, this is, this is, so that’s what I’ve been feeling for 40 years of my life, right? This thing. And so just, you know, and so that’s the gist, is, like I, I did my own work, and even before my divorce, I had five, six years of therapy, you know, I had anxiety, I had addiction, had depression, you know, childhood, rough childhood. Parents got divorced the whole nine, and I just coped with drugs and alcohol and sex, you know, kind of like a lot of guys do. But when I started taking these things out of my life and getting to know myself and understanding how the mind works and why I was doing what I was doing, I started empathizing with myself that, hey, man, you’ve been struggling. It’s been hard being you. And it was like I just started like, forgiving myself and getting to know myself and really having a little more compassion for my experience, yeah,
Damon Pistulka 07:01
yeah. Well, I think that, I mean all the way from from beginning to end of childhood coming through. You know, me being a bit a bit older, I, I don’t fault my parents, but they, you know, a lot of parents are woefully prepared to help raise kids first of all, and I don’t fault anyone, because everyone does the best they can, but with all the stuff that we know now, I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s insane what we know now compared to what we know decades ago, and it’s also insane to think about a parent can know All this stuff before they have a have a child, but they’re the good part about it is I think that there is help available for people. You know, we, a lot of men, don’t get help and and that’s the thing that I really I feel, I feel this really torn when I see people that are high performers at work, you know you’ve seen them, they’re driving they’re doing their thing. And you look beyond that, and you realize it’s just a it, a lot of it is just a garbage trail of I’m surviving, even if I’ve got a nice house, even if I’ve got, you know, the money stuff that comes along, that success brings that, but they’re still empty and and I just that’s the thing that I think is cool about you helping helping men find this because there are so many people that it’s it’s that way, in varying degrees, obviously,
Peter Armstrong 08:44
yeah and yes. And here’s the thing with all you know, addictions, you’re going to call it bad habits, unhealthy coping. It doesn’t matter, alcohol, pornography, sex, you know, smoking pot or building a business, or striving your career, yep, you’re getting something from it. It’s actually helping you. Alcohol help me. Pornography helped me for short term, for a little bit, right? There’s consequences to those things, though, the costs often are far greater than the benefits. The challenges with for men that are successful in the career or in their business is they’re applauded for those their efforts, and so that, in itself, helps you feel good about yourself, right? We get down to the psychology of all that, but when we need to do that, they’re getting something from this, right? And I don’t, not all men, I and as far as what I’ve experienced, they don’t know, they didn’t know that they were doing this. They kind of know that they’re getting applauded, and it’s helping them feel good about. Themselves, but they don’t fully know that, and they don’t realize that, maybe deep down, they actually don’t believe in themselves. They don’t feel they’re worthy. They didn’t feel loved by their dad, their mom. And guess what, this thing is, filling that hole. The challenge with it, man, it’s you’re gonna keep needing it, and keep needing it, you’re going to keep needing it, because that those holes, man, those gaps that pain, those wounds, so to speak, that men, some men know are there. Some men don’t even have any idea, because their subconscious, they gotta keep performing because they feel that little bit of discomfort and like fear, anxiety, not enoughness, whatever it is. And they gotta Ante up again, right? They gotta make the next dollar. They gotta make the next sale. And unfortunately, that is keeping them alive. When you say survival, you say they’re, they’re in, just in survival mode. And literally, they are. You can get down to the science of it. Their nervous system literally is in sympathetic, dominant state, meaning, like they’re in Fight, fight, fight or flight, right? And they’re they’re literally trying to survive, and they don’t fully know it, yeah? But unfortunately, this is a good point. I was talking to a guy. He owns a gym, doing great, killing it. You know, he’s 40 years old. We’re most likely going to work together. Great, great dude. He’s done very well for himself, for himself, and I was talking to him, and I’m like, Hey, let’s, let’s do some breathing. And he’s very smart about the body. And he was like, why do we want to calm down? And I’m like, well, in order to connect you and I to connect and help you uncover what are some of the things that you’re struggling with, we need to regulate your nervous system. So we need to get we need to get into a more parasympathetic state, which basically just means we need to be able to tell our body and our mind to chill out, mm hmm, and relax. And he’s like, okay, that makes a lot of sense. I’m like, Well, if you’re coming to me with the struggle, is your marriage killing it everywhere else, right? But it’s your marriage, and you feel like an island, and you feel alone, you feel rejected, you feel betrayed, and you’re not able to fully share that with your wife. In order for you because, because, in some way she performed? The root of it is fear. And if you have that fear, I believe like I’m going to get rejected, she’s not going to whatever it is, right? The the body is going to be in that state of survival. Yeah, so if you’re in the state of survival and you’re in the woods, you’re being chased by a tiger. Are you going to slow down? Have you know, a nice, calm conversation with your buddy, no, or your wife? Yeah? You’re just gonna you’re trying to stay alive. Yeah, I’m trying to teach man. It’s like, Hey, listen, if you want to really, genuinely connect with your spouse, your kids, even right, or be present at home, even with your team at work. You got to regulate your nervous system. You got to do the breath work. You have to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, and at the end of the day, you have to, have to slow down. And that is very difficult for men to do, especially high achieving, career driven men, it’s very difficult because they’ve right. Society teaches us we can’t be happy. Can’t and I’m not saying you need to sit and cry and be sad. That is not what I’m saying. Crying is good. Just suggest you have some emotions that need to be released. It’s like I’m talking a little bit
Damon Pistulka 14:05
too much. But no, no, this is good because I’m writing down, I guess, if I would wanted to let you finish your your thoughts here, because really, well, first of all, I want to say Harry’s in here today. I want to say thanks for being here today, Harry. Love that you’re listening. And and if anyone else is out there, listen, drop a comment in here, and we can ask Pete some questions if you want, or just connect with Pete after this to talk with him. But you you bring up a good point. We’re in this fight or flight mode. We don’t even realize it. We’re out there just trying to keep Go, go, go, go, go hard. Our relationships might not be working. Well, we’re not doing this. What are some ways that we can break this cycle, just just, I mean, he started a little bit there. What is a way like, if I’m sitting here listening to this today, and I go, I just want to break the cycle for a second so I can think,
Peter Armstrong 14:58
dude, I. I have something right now, and I want to invite you, and I to do it right now to get Okay, be open. Yeah, it’s just gonna be breathing. We’re just gonna do some attentional breathing, and I’m gonna ask you a question or two after okay, because if I just tell you and tell your listeners, hey, this is what you do. Hate to say this, but f how to, how to, we all know how to, but most people don’t do it, right? Oh, yeah. Like, we know sleep is a foundation of well being. How can we not prioritize your sleep? So I have, I so for you and I let’s, let’s do a little breathing. Alright, let’s do listening or watching, do it with us, you know. So I’m gonna invite you to close your eyes, if you’re willing. Mm hmm. I’m gonna take off my glasses, sit with a straight spine, and right now I’ve been talking, so I’ve actually, because I’ve been talking, technically, I’m out of breath. So what I need to do right now is just breathe, and so you and I together, we’re just going to do a little quiet and let’s just do like, five or six intentional breaths. And what that’s going to look like Damon is a four second inhale through the nose and a five second exhale through the mouth, that’s all we’re gonna do is like five or six of Those, just to kind of calm us down. Okay? I try to use your belly To breathe in the inhale And let’s do Two more. You. If you’re willing, Damon, keep your eyes closed, and I just want you to connect with your inner experience, for example, right now. Like, what do you notice? Might be a little different now that we did a little intentional breathing
Damon Pistulka 18:29
when I when I do this, I always feel, I feel a lot of warmth and peace when I do it. Where
Peter Armstrong 18:37
would you say you? Where would you describe that in your body.
Damon Pistulka 18:41
Oh, it’s definitely in my chest,
Peter Armstrong 18:43
in your chest. And so you feel warmth right now, if you were to just, what is it trying to tell you? Now, it feels warmth and peace. If you were to connect to that actually, no, this sounds interesting, but this is what I would love for your listeners to try to do more often. Is what is that? Warmth and peace now trying to tell you,
Damon Pistulka 19:18
we should do more of this if Yeah,
Peter Armstrong 19:26
and if you were even to connect with the way in which you felt prior to the warmth and peace, this might be a little trickier. But what was that feeling, that sensation in your body telling you, what was it trying to communicate?
Damon Pistulka 19:43
Yeah, you know, throughout the day, you really feel yourself taking off with the work that you’re trying to do and those kind of things. And, you know, and all the there, there is anxiety, there’s frustration, there’s worry, whatever you want to call. It and to me, breathing helps me bring that back to a center that allows me to go, Okay, now let’s really look at this. Let’s separate my mind. Well, my mind is telling me from reality, and try to throw the garbage out, because your mind, I mean me anyway, chronic warrior, I, you know, and I thought from the from the time I started my professional career running places, I that that was my job to be the one that worries and frets and because that will get things done, and you have to understand that that is a waste of time, and it’s a waste of your effort. But I’ll
Peter Armstrong 20:48
pause you right here. What does the anxiety and worrying help you with?
Damon Pistulka 21:00
I don’t know anymore, there’s
Peter Armstrong 21:03
some sort of, and this is, you know, I want to say, coach you, but I’m trying to help people understand, yeah, we can, the one way to connect to the anxiety is to connect your body. And you can feel it off the anxieties in the chest. And if we that’s the first way that men can start to understand is to start connecting to their bodies, which they haven’t done for 3040, years. Yeah, and the breath is one way to help you regulate your nervous system, calm the anxiety, and help you connect to that feeling you Yeah. And so you, when you ask, how do we do it? We just did it. Yep,
Damon Pistulka 21:48
that’s a great that’s a great example. And I’m, I’m glad you brought that up. And by no means is I planning to bring this up, because this is one of the things that I, too have worked on over the last few years is to really understand how breath helps. And I think what it does for me personally is like I said all the other things I said about myself prior all that good stuff. But what it does, as I just mentioned, is if you do that, if you just take that moment in the whatever situation you’re in. So you’re in a situation, just say you’re in business and something happens, or you’re in a situation where you’re with your spouse or friends or something, it’s not going well. If you can take a few deep breaths, right there, the power that it gives you, and I don’t mean a power from like, but the power that it gives you to help you really think about something clearly. Mm, hmm, that’s, that’s what you know. And I think what you’re talking about there is that, that pause, that resetting your mind is so important, and we’re not taught to do that. I don’t think
Peter Armstrong 23:08
so. It is resetting your mind, but it’s it’s resetting your nervous system. And this is important because when you talk about anxiety that is rooted in fear, and fear is an emotion. I’ve been talking often lately. We’re human, human. We’re human first meaning we have emotions, and so we do reset the mind. But the cool thing you’re doing is, when you’re breathing, you’re actually resetting your nervous system, which is telling your body and your mind that you’re okay, that you’re safe. Yeah, that’s interesting.
23:52
That’s the feeling I
Peter Armstrong 23:54
know better, like I feel safe. You know it’s like, well, my point is, but the cool thing is, we just did it very intentional. I took off my glasses. I guided you a little bit. I guided me when you were talking, I was breathing, so your spot, I’m like, You can do this in a business meeting. You can do this with your partner, like when your your wife, your romantic partner, is triggered, she’s angry, your nervous system is going to want to do the same. It’s going to want to protect you. But if you can help your body and your mind understand, and this is for men too, like hey, this is how I’m going to relax and call myself so I can respond in a healthy, productive manner, burying your emotions. That doesn’t help either. What? Excuse me, it does help. Not long. Term, though, yes, yeah, but it does help, because you bury it, you can kind of get on, right? Yeah. You can’t rationalize an emotional problem. The emotional problem’s still going to be there. You can rationalize it. It’ll go away for temporary period, but it’s it’s going to resurface. And so, and I get excited about this, I don’t want to keep talking about it, but I think you’re what you’ve experienced with the breath. Is one way that I encourage men to do it on the way home, like when I go drive home, or I’m riding my bike, I’m breathing on the way home, because I’m sure my 16 year old son might have not done the dishes, or you didn’t cut the grass, or, yeah, you know, you left the cereal bowl out, or whatever stupid thing it is. It just helps me respond better, and then it’s just kind of cool, man, you have you have better days, you have better nights with the fam, you have greater intimacy with the people you love, and that’s what we want. Yeah, I mean, isn’t what we want. Like, if family life isn’t right, it just what I don’t know, man, I feel like a family right life and home life isn’t right. I don’t know. Life just doesn’t seem, oh,
Damon Pistulka 26:19
it’s pretty it’s pretty hard having one sided life. I mean, I’ve lived it, not currently, but I did prior and, you know, and it, it is, it is something that it’s hard to do. It’s hard to do.
Peter Armstrong 26:35
It’s hard. It is hard. It’s very difficult. I lived that way for a long time, too. And it’s, I think it’s hard because, again, we’re human. Go back to this, this idea Hu capitalize me N, and even though we’re men, we were designed for relationship. Humans are designed for a relationship. You know, no matter what spirituality you align with, if you look at all spiritualities, or even if you’re agnostic, like we’re design. We’re designed to connect. We’re designed for connection. And when we don’t have that connection with the people we we really desire it like the people we love, our children, you know, our parents, our spouses, our romantic partners, there’s going to be a longing and yearning and pain within us that you can avoid. You can numb out through alcohol. You can, you know, distract through overachieving. But the end of the day, man, the only way to really solve that tend to it is to to to get to know what’s going on with you and why you do what you do. And what I’ve experienced is, you know, you can get that in therapy or coaching, maybe even some beautiful mentorships or some masterminds. But what I’ve experienced there’s, there’s a big gap and men being able to express how they truly how it’s what it’s like being them, not like, oh, what how they feel. I’m not gonna go that direction, but what it’s like being them, and most men haven’t connected to that part of them, like I had a guy the other day. He was telling me he’s like, I feel like an island. I feel like an island at home, and I feel like an island in my business, because he doesn’t have some of the emotional fitness that is required to better connect with his wife, and then he also doesn’t have the, for lack of better word, courage, to share the way in which he’s feeling about a situation with some of his team, you know, giving feedback, whatever it is, right? And like, he’s like, I feel like I’m on an island and I don’t know I have no help. And so it’s like, I’m telling you, it’s, it’s honestly, Damon, it’s, there are a lot of men who feel this way, and it’s getting in them, in their way of their relationships, and it’s getting in their way of their well being. And when men are happier and they have better relationships, in my opinion, they’re going to be better leaders. They’re gonna have greater impact. They’re gonna they’re just, I think it’s just by design, you know, yeah,
Damon Pistulka 29:27
yeah. Well, I think that, if you, as we talked about, and I want to talk about this a little bit, to get to get from where someone say today, I’m not happy with with myself, my situation, whatever that might be in the way, you know, the way we’ve been talking about here, what are some of the things that you see and you’re talking about? It could be masterminds. Could be or coaching, or mentorship sessions, or whatever it. Is that helps him. But what are we talked about breathing? But what are some me resources, things they could think about, things they could, I mean, just to take that first step, because we’re all scared of this as men, right? We’re like, Okay, I don’t want to be be seeing the guy that you know that’s going to be, you know, first one out of the water, or whatever you want to talk about, but at the end of the day, it’s, it’s worth it to take some little steps and see what we can do beyond. I mean, breathing was great here, and those kind of things, yeah, yes. And yeah, for people that’s like, Listen, if you don’t feel like this, here’s a couple ideas. Damon, I have
Peter Armstrong 30:47
ideas. I’ll get give you something, but you just said it’s worth it, right? What’s that? You just said it’s worth it to doing this type of work? Oh yes. Or moving right? Oh yeah. So would you be willing to share a little bit, a small blip, small little something that someone who has been in your position, or excuse me, is in your position. In the business world, you’ve done some of this work. You know what it’s like? Yeah. How come it? What? What’s something for you could men love story. They like testimonials. They want something relatable. What is something you’ve gotten from doing the work?
Damon Pistulka 31:26
Well, I can tell you, you don’t, you don’t have to have a bad home life and be very and be very driven and have a great business. And I’ll tell you, I grew up thinking that there it’s a dichotomy, right? You’re going to have one or the other, and that’s not the case. If you’re sitting out there. Someone’s out there listening today, they think, Man, I gotta do this. I gotta do this. This business needs me. I gotta do this for my family. I gotta do this, but it’s going like hell at home. But I gotta do it because I need to provide for my family. That’s bullshit. It doesn’t have to be that way. Mm,
Peter Armstrong 32:01
yes, and you, you’re experiencing that, yeah,
Damon Pistulka 32:06
it’s like, it doesn’t have to be one or the other, and it’s not big steps, you know, you, you and and other people that can help with, with the kind of coaching and things that are available for these men. They can learn how to put in the work that they need to at their career, their business, whatever, and then put some of that same effort into their relationship that allows that to be so much better, and they’re going to go, I’m doing what I was doing at my career or business or whatever, almost the same as I was yesterday, but my home life’s a hell of a lot better.
Peter Armstrong 32:56
Yeah, a little bit. But the response or the result of that is a little happier. Yeah.
Damon Pistulka 33:01
I mean, because it is, it is. I mean, there’s nothing going to go overcome the fact that if you’re going to work 22 hours a day for long periods of time, it’s not going to, you know, relationships don’t work like that. You got to get past that. But what I’m saying is, is that I’ve seen the difference between, I thought divorce was normal. If I was going to run companies, it was a fact.
Peter Armstrong 33:26
And that’s a belief. It’s a belief. I
Damon Pistulka 33:29
thought it was fact of life. It’s a belief it happened, yep, just like I thought it was going to happen and, and I thought, because you have to work that hard, that that Look at, look at the track record of business owners and CEOs. There’s littered cases divorce. It doesn’t have to be like that. And that’s that’s the thing. And I’m just telling people here, it doesn’t have to be like that, and that’s why, when you and I talked before, I was so passionate about having you come back on because you’re helping people that are driven like this, that are wanting to really do great things have huge impact. And you want to show them how to be get in touch of themselves and really interact and communicate well with their families and their friends and everything else, and live a full life rather than one dimensional life.
Peter Armstrong 34:25
Yeah, this is good. Thank you for sharing. And this is, this is hopefully helping men understand. And there’s a couple things I want to share. One is here, here’s, here’s something I want to tell. There’s two reasons why I’m going to share the story. A lot of the men that I help, I’m going to tell you guys right this right now that often, almost every guy I work with in some way, shape or form, i. I did not feel fully loved by their mom or father. Either they knew it consciously or through the work that I helped them with, they found out subconsciously and they only were going to find that out because of this type of work, because our subconscious thoughts, like, like, here’s an example of my story. My mom would whenever I had an idea, I’m gonna go back to school, I’m gonna start my business, whatever it was, you know, she thinks she’s doing mom, she would criticize it like, really, are you going to do that? You’re going to leave the university, that beautiful University, all the benefits, pension, and you’re going to social business. I don’t think that’s a good idea. How I took that. My mom doesn’t believe in me. Yeah, men, whether we know it or not. Subconsciously, we want our parents to believe in us, because if someone believes in you, guess what? So gets at the root of that love, yep. So subconsciously. Damon, after I did the work, I got a coach, right? Yeah, in some way, shape or form, I felt like I wasn’t being loved. So. But guess how I respond to that? I have an anger. Mm, hmm, right. So that’s just a little antidote. But now I’ve, I’ve got understood that. I’ve healed it. That’s just my mom’s stuff. I no longer have to believe that she doesn’t love me. I know my mom loves me. For a long time, I didn’t believe it, and she’ll probably never fully love me the way I desire to be loved. I’ve grieved that it’s okay. The second thing I want to say about men is, if I just got done telling you, then, in many ways, the root problems have to do with your mom or dad. You not fully feeling like your mom or dad loved you, and you have kids, you need to start thinking about your kids. And listen, I’m not talking about like your if your dad’s my dad was alcoholic. My mom was probably undiagnosed mental health issues, struggles, right? My parent, my dynamic, but a lot of the guys they work with, like their dads, were a business owner. They came from a well to do family and so Tony. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic if a lot of men had great families. One guy came from a farm like you need to realize that a lot of these wounds come from childhood, and you can change your generational trajectory for your children by getting help you need. And I get I’m I have goosebumps right now, Damon, because, listen, this is important. And here’s the thing. This is the thing. I didn’t do this for myself, the work I did, and because the reason why I did it, when I was going through my divorce, I was like, You know what? I want to be a better dad, and I don’t want my kids to feel the way they feel about themselves, like how I felt the majority of my life. And you know what happened? I went through this mental fitness training, and this is a little tool. They said here, look at, look at a picture of your younger self, like a like an eight year old version of Little Peter, and try to have empathy with that. For the little boy. I had a hard time connecting with that tool, that idea, because I had judgment of myself. But then I looked at a picture of my son at like, 12 years old. Guess who he guess who he looks like, just like his dad. Yeah, and Damon, I said, if that little boy felt the way he feel, if he felt like me, what would I do for him? What do you think I want to do for him? If he felt the way I used to feel, by myself, make it different, I’d want nothing more but to hug him, love him, right, and give him support. Guess what? That’s what I needed to do for myself, because you would do it for your kids, and I promise you, we need to do it for ourselves too, because if you can learn to empathize with your your struggle, your own thing. Yeah, right, yeah. The cool thing is that is part of the process to growth, healing, transformation, connecting to yourself. And the cool thing is when you’re able to do that for yourself and grow in love and self. Love. Empathy and self compassion and all these things. Now you can pour that into your kids. Yeah, and I’m telling you, it’s, it’s, it’s, you know, the same like you don’t get what you have if you don’t have that for yourself. It’s really hard. And this is where men struggle. They feel like they just have to rationalize and logicalize. Yeah, and I understand why. But guess what? That’s that connection,
40:31
yeah.
Peter Armstrong 40:35
And so I know I went a little bit of a little more intimate path.
Damon Pistulka 40:41
It’s, it’s what I mean. This is the thing now that I think that you’ve uncovered some real, real important things for men to consider. Because, listen, nobody, like I said before, nobody was perfect parent, none of that. It doesn’t matter where he came from, what, what the situation was. It starts inside of you, and then you can bring it out to your family, your friends, and your work, workplace and that kind of thing. Because if you, if you can’t get to that point, and Thane Isaacs, a friend of mine, says this a lot. He said, You can’t, you can’t act in a way that you don’t, and I’m going to butcher it, you don’t really feel is true for yourself. You can’t act in a way that’s inconsistent with how you feel about yourself and and that’s a I mean, think about what you just said. If you’re not feeling like you were loved or you’re a good person, or you have empathy for yourself, is so hard for you to do that consistently without so much effort to the people around you.
Peter Armstrong 41:57
And really you know why this is important work is because just right has told you like you want to help your kids feel secure in who they are, as Yeah, as children and men have this, you know, kind of this, I just provide them with a good house, you know, money, college tuition, you know, be manly. Think, teach, you know, teach your sons certain things, you know, care for our daughters. But I’m going to tell you right now, again, we’re human. Our children, we and there are a few things that we are required to feel loved and that’s to be seen, heard and understood. What I mean by that is that your wife might be, you know, have anxiety and afraid, and she’s judging you, she’s mad at you, whatever. You don’t need to agree with her. But can you empathize with where she’s coming from? If you can have empathy, meaning you feel that this is how she feels, and you understand. The cool thing is, you’re connected with her. Now you can have a conversation. And that’s the same with the kids. You know. You can have a boy who’s 12 years old start crying, and if you you know, or even even a five year old, you tell your five year old that’s crying because they’re sad. I’m not talking about like because they didn’t get a cookie before dinner. Yeah, it’s like, you gotta be like, right? You gotta set boundaries. That’s, that’s loud, yeah, but, but I’m talking about, you know, the kids upset about something, yeah, telling them to go away and run away and go, go, go in your room. You know, how does a child take that. It’s like when I’m sad I’m angry, I can’t be around my parents. That means I can’t be myself. Children don’t know that. And so I share this with men too, because if we can help, even our children, and I did not do this well with my two older kids. Yeah, no, because look at man, I have three kids. I got an 18 and a 16. I did not do this that well with them. But now I have a six year old. I have six year old as well. Now I’m able to empathize with her and sit with her and see her and understand her. And I’m telling you, it’s like, I feel like she’s more emotionally intelligent than I am, but I think it’s because I’ve helped her. I’ve been there for her, and she’s taught me a lot, man, she’s taught me so much about,
Damon Pistulka 44:43
yeah, I feel like
Peter Armstrong 44:44
I’m a little more I don’t want to tell people what to do. I just want to kind of tell my story and help people under men understand and people understand that we have human needs, you know, and it’s often to be seen, understood and heard. And I know, I, you know, we think. Got 43 and not sure how old you are, we still have them. We’re going to have them the rest of our lives. Yes, you know, yes,
Damon Pistulka 45:06
yeah, yeah. Well. PD, it’s been great having you on today. And you know, I just hope that people listening. We got some more comments we had. Michael talks about the disconnect with loved ones and colleagues during covid that that that was a tough, tough thing. Pete said something else too. Do you believe the smartphone has dehumanized us at work life and building in from building healthy relationships?
Peter Armstrong 45:33
Okay, we can have a whole nother, uh, live stream on the smartphones. Yeah? Yeah, the answer is yes. I think the just a quick here’s the challenge, too, again, help men who are struggling, you know, with addiction, bad habits, unhealthy coping, right? And some men like the phone. Yeah, scrolling on the phone is getting in the way of them being productive at work. Scrolling on the phone is getting them way of connecting to their wives. And here’s the thing, what are you getting from the scrolling of the phone? What are you getting from it? It’s helping you with something. And most men like nothing. It’s stupid. It’s pointless. I’m just scrolling. I’m like, no, no, no, you’re getting something from it. Yeah, it’s helping you. There’s a benefit there. And so I say that, you know, he has this beautiful question, is it getting in the way of our connection? Absolutely, because if we are just doing this, we’re not connected to ourselves. We’re not connected to being where we are. Have you ever done that where you’re like, you’re 15 minutes on the phone, you’re scrolling Instagram, Facebook, the whole nine, and then you’re like, where am I?
Damon Pistulka 46:50
It can happen?
Peter Armstrong 46:53
Can happen? Um, and so the answer is yes, the phones are a big problem, and I’ll tell you this, I’ve been doing this for 10 years plus with my friends, when we go places, I’m okay, guys, let’s put the phone in a bucket, or put no phones, man, let’s just connect. Yeah, you know. And I get kickback sometimes, but,
Damon Pistulka 47:12
yeah, yeah, good stuff. Well, Selena. Selena said, Love the discussion. Very open, raw. And she said, love it. And, great, yeah, it is. It is. Michael talks about the dopamine, you know, it’s in the people that that developed the social media platforms and other things. I mean, they know it. They know what it’s doing, and we know the feeling we get from it, whether we realize it or not. But it, you know, the the real thing that I like, and I’m glad we brought you on today, is because, just to maybe get someone, maybe two people, to think about this, because it doesn’t their life doesn’t have to be this way. They’re not happy with the way it is. And and you brought up so many good things. Our past has got stuff that’s given us baggage, our our choices, our upbringing, all that stuff, but it’s not things that we can overcome
Peter Armstrong 48:13
100% 100% takes work like any overcoming right get over a mountain or you’re going to get through a swim or hard bike ride or starting a business, it takes effort. Yeah, it takes work. It takes skills. It takes training. It takes practice, takes doing the reps and all this emotional stuff. Some men just haven’t done the work. It’s not in a negative way, but, like, how can you expect to be good, good at something if you haven’t done it? Mm, hmm, right. You just gotta practice. You gotta learn and understand. So there’s often this thing I tell men, it’s like, I’m stealing this from Gabor Mate, but it’s like, there’s, there’s knowledge of self and there’s self knowledge. The Self knowledge is often the route like men like to do. They like to, you know, let me, you know, let me go, let me go, read this book, and then, you know, I’m going to, I’ll figure it out, right? And you can get some self knowledge from that. I didn’t even read that whole book, but that the one like, thing I like about that book is you gotta be the first person sold on your your product, your your mission. But there’s self knowledge. You can get that in books, right? You watch that on podcasts. But then there’s a knowledge of self, and that’s where the richness happens, and that is where you’re learning about you’re getting to know you, and that’s the work, in my opinion, that can only be done either with another person, like a trusted friend, a therapist, coach, a mentor, and that’s where the magic happens. When you get to understand, understand why you’re you struggle, why you have pain, why you react in this way to this trigger in this relationship. That’s the good stuff, yeah. But I you know, I guess with that being said. I want to leave some people with some guys, a couple little next steps, because you did ask that question before I said breathing is good. A couple books, you know, I would say Brene Brown’s the Gifts of Imperfection. You know, she has a largely female audience. Yeah, I think women, but she’s got some beautiful stuff in here about what is to be human, the Gifts of Imperfection. I really liked, I would say that’s a good book for men. I have almost all my clients read at the start. Also, there’s a book here. This is a little this is kind of more for men who have done probably some work already, but to be a man, this is that’s a really good book, and then really at the end of the day, start following experts in men’s work or relationships, you Know, and even if you can’t follow him, just secretly watch what they’re doing. Listen to podcast. Podcasts are phenomenal. You know, Rich Roll. I got a shirt on today. I love Rich Roll. Andrew Huberman, Peter Attia Goodman,
Damon Pistulka 51:20
Ah, thank you so much. Thank you so much and for sharing with us today. Michael, thank you so much. Michael, you had a lot of comments. He was talking about smartphones via the dopamine, the addiction. He talks about some other things here. Thanks so much for the comments. Really appreciate that. Pete, thanks so much for being here. We got to shut down for Dave, but I want to ask if people want to get a hold to you. What is the best way to get to get in touch with you.
Peter Armstrong 51:51
My LinkedIn. Okay. LinkedIn is PJ, Pete J, Armstrong. It has Pete slash R, because some people call me Pete, some people call me Peter. So I’d say LinkedIn is a great place. Or just email me. You know, Pete inspires@gmail.com and I love to just connect with men and talk about these things, or even women who maybe, you know, just there’s no strings attached to connecting me, with me and to talk about these things I love, the hell awesome. So those are probably the two best ways Awesome.
Damon Pistulka 52:26
Thanks so much for being here today. And again, we had Pete Armstrong here. Look him up on LinkedIn, like you said, it’s Pete slash R Armstrong, and you can talk with him. Connect with him. And it is, again, Pete inspired
Peter Armstrong 52:41
at Gmail, dot inspires. Pete
Damon Pistulka 52:45
inspires with an S, yes@gmail.com you got that and hey, we got George coming in. George says thanks as well. Welcome brother. Thanks for being here today. Hang out with me for a minute, Pete, and we will wind up offline. Thanks, everyone.
